A Swede's ponder upon English culture

As a Swede moving to England there are a number of things that will take some getting used to and some things that makes you be like “Put that Dave Cameron on the phone now! He needs to sort out some things!” While this list might not be the to-do-list of a Prime minister, it sure is something a Swede would react to:

Climate:

“Why do I need my winter jacket when it’s not even close to zero outside?” That’s the humidity for ya, it crawls into your bones. Welcome to England!

“Why do I need my winter jacket INSIDE?” Oi! You fork out some more cash and maybe we can afford to heat this place!

“What are those black stains around my window frame that keep growing bigger every day?” oh THAT? That’s just mold my love, just wipe it down every now and then and you’ll keep it from covering your stuff.

“I’m gonna pop out to the store now before it starts raining again” Oh, may God be with you!

In the supermarket:

“Where’s the rest of your cheese selection?” What do you mean?! There’s LOTS to choose from: Mild cheddar, mature cheddar, extra mature…

“Where’s the rest of your bread selection?” What do you mean?! There’s a whole aisle full of different choices: white toast, brown toast, extra thick toast…

Double bag it or learn the hard way. I’m talking about shopping bags here people!

Food:

“This candy just tastes like sugar”. That’s why it’s called SWEETS!!! Not candy, you American wannabe.

“You’re having chips for LUNCH!?” No I’m having CRISPS!

“I must be coming down with a cold because I can’t taste anything of this Shepperd's pie” Don’t worry, your tastebuds should be getting used to bland food any day now.

Things you say:

Aright? (Meaning “Are you alright?”). “Yeah, I’m good thanks! Got a wonderful phone call from an old friend this morni…” NO! It wasn’t a question you moron!

“How are you?” Not too bad. “Oh, somebody call the optimist police cause it’s getting out of control over here!”

That’s rubbish! This is rubbish! Everything is rubbish!

In the underground:

“Did you see that guy? He tried to steal my phone!” No he didn’t.

“That’s weird, earlier today everyone seemed to want a lot of personal space, but now when I finished work people where pushing me on to the tube. I had to stand with my face in someone’s armpit!” Don’t slow me down at rush hour! I’ve had a long day and just want to get home as quickly as possible! Just hold your breath and be quiet!